| Update |
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| 11:19pm 24/09/2009 |
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So I just got this new app for lj on my jesusphone. And I think it's pretty rad so far. Sooo thing s in my life have been looking up a bit. I ended up getting a job with MAC cosmetics making 14 dollars an hour which I'm beyond stoked about, Justin and I are back together...big surprise, I'm sure. But I have never felt a love like I do towards him. Sooo I don't know what else to do bc I'm absolutely retarded about him. He says that he has changed and thy he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but at this point it's just hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I just hope that he's sincere. I honestly don't understand people who cheat an the boys and girls that are the "other" person. It just blows my mind that people an have that little heart. That little respect, that little decency. Especially towards someone you "love". I understand that people make mistakes, but I don't feel that I personally could ever make THAT mistake. It's just too horrible. But I guess that's why the bad people always get ahead in life bc they don't mind stepping on people to get there. It's really too bad though. But anyways I'm trying to forgive but I don't think forgetting is anywhere near the picture. An that's too bad, bc I would really like to. I just hope that God helps me move forward and continue to progress with happiness. Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| bullshit |
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| 11:32pm 27/07/2009 |
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my life is a bunch of bullshit all the time. im strictly using this journal as a venting area for all my aggression. so feel free to not read this, or dont listen to me and read it. whatever the fuck you want.
when you are growing up you really never think that your life is going to suck as bad as it ends up sucking.
you never think that all the bad things that could happen to you WILL happen to you
EVEN IF YOU ARE A FUCKING SAINT.
it doesnt matter who you are nice to, it doesnt matter if you do anything out of the goodness of your heart
no one cares that you are a good person.
why do you think that BAD PEOPLE get so far in life? hmmm it really makes you want to be a bad person sometimes.
bc THEN i wouldnt give a fuck about anyone and i wouldnt get hurt
THEN i wouldnt get emotionally attached to someone who is going to fuck me over in the end, because thats what everyone does. NO ONE gives a fuck about hurting you. no matter how much they say they love you
everyone will fail you at some point or another
no one has your best interest in mind. at least i dont feel it from anyone
why am i the one who is always wanting to make other people comfortable and happy
but no one wants that for me in return?
im going to stop being so god damned kind all the time
but i dont know if thats something you can change?
can you be born and raised and become a genuinely kind hearted person and can the world change you?
if it can, i think im well on my way to changing it.
being kind is no where worth what you put into it.
no where near being worth it.
not even close
not when you hurt like i do on a daily fucking basis
and this ISNT a pity party, i told you to stop reading at the beginning
so please dont give me any bullshit about why the fuck i should consider myself lucky
what because i have sight? and i can see all the terrible things that people do to eachother
because i can hear? so i can hear all the negative shit that they pump inside of us every single day
because i can walk? so that i can walk them to what job? bc i cant get a job because of the economy.
being grateful is a pile of shit and im so over it
if GOD wants to me believe he exists, he really should stop making it so hard to believe that something GOOD EXISTS
bc at this point everything and everyone has failed me and im over it.
id rather be dead that feel like i feel all the time.
i never knew i could have this rage inside of me
i guess we all learn new things about ourselves.
ive learned that im nowhere near as strong as i once thought i was.
ive learned that not even the person you love and trust the most, is worth trusting
ive learned that we are all alone. no matter who we have with us.
you are alone.
by yourself
always. |
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| April 14th, 2009 |
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| 02:33pm 14/04/2009 |
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music: cars buzzing by outside my window
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Wow...
I just went back and read all of my old posts. How fucking funny was I?! hahaha but anyways...these days im dating the man of my dreams (justin dean) things are going well as of right now. The last couple months have been extremely difficult and emotionally draining for me. My daddy passed away in January, only two months after he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Probably the worst day of my entire life was the day he passed. It was honestly too much to see my daddy go through what he did that day. Secondly exactly a month ago today I found out the Justin cheated on me in october with one of his slut co workers. But we are working through it and I know that he was completely fucked in the mind at the time and Im 120% positive and comfortable with the fact that hes crazy about me and that he hates himself for what he did to me and will never do it again. I feel as if this entire situation has brought us closer by ten folds. There is so much more love, and its almost like its a different kind of love. So much more true and pure, honest and able. I love it and feel like this is where I need to be in my life. Obviously there are moments of weakness where I start thinking too much and get myself down. But I have faith in our relationship and our love for one another to have more good days than bad. I know that no one reads this and its probably why im writing all of this on here. I did read his ex gfs LJ though and she said something about them being together for 4 years and being engaged, which i was completely unaware of. But she could have been talking about a different justin? Sigh, whatever. But I miss my dad, a lot. Alot more than i could have ever imagined missing someone. I dont get sad about it often, but the other night justin and i were both having a hard night (because his mother passed away about 7 months ago as well from cancer) and we just laid together and cried. It was a tragic scene to say the least. There is just so much hurt in our hearts at the moment. But all I can think about when hes crying is how I want to be the one to comfort him for the rest of his life. I want to be the person that he comes to for help. I want to be the person he can trust and fall onto. I want to have that kind of security for him. He is my absolute world, and as badly as i was hurt ( i couldnt even tell you in words how my heart hurt that day) my love for him kept him here. I couldnt help but turn my anger and complete desperation into calming him down and telling him that i still loved him and that i still wanted to take care of him. Because i KNOW it was a mistake and we are all human and when we are put into tempting situations and we feel like we have lost control of our lives.....sometimes we mess up. that is life, and that is something i and we all have to learn and accept. And i was really put through a test with that one. I never knew that I could push my own passionate feelings aside instantly to take care of his. That is when i knew that I needed him, without a doubt...i needed him. I will tell you that everytime I look into his eyes i see the incredible amount of love that he has for me. I cant tell by the way that he says "i love you" that its different than it was before. Its so much warmer, and I love it. Maybe what happened needed to happen for us to realize that what we have is real, and its incredible and we should NEVER take things like this for granted. Because if there is anything that i have learned in the last couple months, it is to NEVER EVER take someone you love for granted. Not even once. I hope that if any of you read this, you go home and tell your parents that you love them. If you are in love with someone, sit down and tell them what they mean to you. Because it can all change so fast.
Take care,
Mae |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| the luckiest |
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| 01:08am 25/08/2006 |
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my boy is the cutest one to walk the earth....
...no seriously. i wasnt joking
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| an oddity for eyes |
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| 12:52am 28/07/2006 |
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mood:  mellow music: system of a down-BYOB
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i feel as if ive completely detached myself from this place.
and im ok with it. |
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| you're far too frail to fight |
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| 05:28pm 17/07/2006 |
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cornerstone was good
spending a week with tommy was better
coming home was nice but terrible in some ways.
i hate leaving him
i hate having to say goodbye.
i cant wait for the day where i never have to say goodbye
and if i do, its only for a short period of time
no weeks go by
its a terrible thing,
this thing called love...
it physically hurts when i miss him
and yet, when im with him, i feel its bliss.
its amazing,
this thing called love...
when he rubs up against me just as anyone would
sends thosands of goosebumps and chills down my spine.
eh, thats the just of it.
i love him
period. |
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| color me pumped |
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| 10:45pm 03/07/2006 |
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cornerstone here i come
fort wayne, ill see you in 5 days
i wish i could stay there forever
my heart is in bushnell!
<3 |
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| ive got a crush on you |
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| 12:12am 11/06/2006 |
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music: micheal buble-ive got a crush
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.LIFE.
its happening, its really really happenging, right now.
everything is going swell like. i wake up at 7 every morning. groggy, disoriented, but good none the less. (is none the less three words or one -nonetheless-?) no idea. anyways put on what little makeup i can get on my face while fighting my early morning fatigue. drive to work. clock in. hold the screaming babies, rock them to sleep, singing lullabys and love songs for their precious little ears. saying "sorries", "are you oks", and "well that wasnt very nice was its" all day long. consoling the teary eyed children. clock out. drive home. i usually nap around this time. closing my shades, turn on the air. and sleep like i havent slept in months. sometimes ill sleep for hours. 3 or 4. the time passes so quickly when you sleep. no worries. no fears. no fighting, or tears. i wake up just as groggy as the morning rituals. lay in my bed, listen to the birds, thank God for life, and love and beauty. those three things i always thank him for. every night.
life
love
beauty
life is beautiful. i live to love. love is beautiful.
all throughout these seemingly meaningless days i so often have. i think of a certain boy. a boy who makes me blush and takes naps with me. he never gave up when i told him i wasnt ticklish. he kisses me on the hand and tells me im beautiful. calls me to hear my voice and let me know that he loves me. a boy who holds my hands in front of his friends and so proudly says "this is my girl mae" this boy has a name and my heart.
thomas earl weaver.
i love you forever
<3
may God bless, and keep you.
maebelle |
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| hey so check it out |
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| 11:41pm 04/04/2006 |
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mood:  loved music: the bandit-starlight mints
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new piercing?
i think so
bomb
tell me what you freakin think
maE! |
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Read 7 - Post |
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| i finally got to see the sky |
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| 11:45pm 01/03/2006 |
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mood: loved music: 3750-the acacia strain
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can you say stunning?
right there it is. plain and simple. beauty at its finest and hes all mine.
gosh what did i do to deserve this?
thank you Jesus |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| ill cover you |
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| 02:17am 28/02/2006 |
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mood: loved music: chicago-sfujan stevens
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wow
i
couldnt
be
happier
! |
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| 01:09pm 20/02/2006 |
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mood:  ecstatic music: chicago-sfujan stevens
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im in like with a certain boy and his name is tommy!
hmm i like his beard...and everything else about him |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| ...with every intentions to be failures in this world |
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| 01:10pm 17/02/2006 |
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mood: content music: mewithoutyou
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last night was awesome. i finally feel wanted again. its a feeling that i missed alot. i went to a show in kokomo.saw all of my lovelylovely friends down there. everytime i see them i cant help but thank God for bringing me to them. i stayed the night at tommys house which was great. got some nice kisses. i missed kisses. made me realize that i dont need that one certain boy to make me happy. im fine without him. i ate breakfast with his parents while he was at school and we talked about everything. it was great to know that if something does happen with this that i will be blessed with knowing his awesome parents. knowing that i dont have to worry about dealing with crappy parents all the time. hmm. but yea there is a show tonight at cym. everyone should probably go, its not going to be a really good show. but i would love for you to be there. cuz i do in fact love you all and love seeing your beautiful faces as often as i possibly can. i love periods....yes. but anyways mewithoutyou is coming next friday to kokomo for 10 dollars. everyone on the face of the earth should be there. im driving so i can take like 3 people just depending. i think i already promised 2 that i would so maybe just 1 or 2 more people. just let me know if you really are set on going. cuz i wouldnt miss it for the world. alright well i suppose im done for today.
God bless.
maE. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| sleep on the floor, and dream about me. |
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| 09:55pm 10/02/2006 |
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mood: grateful music: anthems for a 17 year old girl-broken social scene
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ok so here goes.
i have been slightly down lately about various things but then i got a call from a friend who i love with all i have. he let me know some of the things that were going on in his life and i couldnt help but totally forget my problems and focus on his. i just really realized last night how lucky i am. and how big of a whiner i have been in the past couple months, i mean i know im only human and sometimes its ineviable to be lonely or frustrated. but God pretty much slapped me in the face and im so glad that he did. im happy. im lucky. im free. im living. and breathing. i have two legs. arms and ears. i can see. and what beautiful things i see on a daily basis. God has blessed me. sad or happy. sorry if i have said anything mean to anyone or just wasnt the mae that you all know so well. im done with being upset about life. im ok. i have it so well off its ridiculous. next time im complaining i want you to hit me in the throat. but just for good measure keep my in your prayers. i may lose my job. hoping its for the better. my grandma was taken to the hospital the other day, just pray that if she goes soon that shes happy and not in pain. in lonely. i want love. can you blame me? valentines day is coming up and it seems like everyones in love but me. hey. LIFE. it happens. life hurts, then we are fine. we hurt, we always end up OK. we live in a world bombarded with negative and we need to counteract that with out attitudes. thats probably my new outlook on life. just live and love. laugh and cry. breathe and sing. sing about life and love and laughing and crying. be there for eachother. be happy when others are happy and consoling when they are hurt and in need of a shoulder. hm. im here. i always will be. i may threaten you with moving. but chances are ill stay here. i love my family and friends too much to leave them behind in this town.
but if i could i would take all of you with me. to a place where we could walk around barefoot and we would have to run across paved roads so our feet wouldnt burn. we would have sunburns on out noses and shoulders and our cheeks would hurt when we laughed. we would ride our bikes everywhere and roll in the grass. lay under the shade of apple trees and fall asleep in eachothers arms.
which reminds me. cornerstone is going to change my life this year just like it did last year
i cant wait to fall asleep around all the people i love
hmmm God bless life and love and friends, family, laughing, smiling, being grateful, sunshine, and the ability to feel pain. for without pain we wouldnt appreciate life.
bless you all
mae |
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| 07:26am 07/02/2006 |
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mood:  lonely
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no matter what i do, im still as lonely as when i started
i cant hide behind a smile forever |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| im lonely |
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| 11:27pm 29/01/2006 |
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mood: lonely music: fear before the march of flames
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O Lord send me my angel.
when will it be my turn. i couldnt be lonelier |
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darkangel567's journal
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