the entire world is counting on me, and they dont even know it...

Update

2009-09-25T03:19:32Z

So I just got this new app for lj on my jesusphone. And I think it's pretty rad so far. Sooo thing s in my life have been looking up a bit. I ended up getting a job with MAC cosmetics making 14 dollars an hour which I'm beyond stoked about, Justin and I are back together...big surprise, I'm sure. But I have never felt a love like I do towards him. Sooo I don't know what else to do bc I'm absolutely retarded about him. He says that he has changed and thy he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but at this point it's just hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I just hope that he's sincere. I honestly don't understand people who cheat an the boys and girls that are the "other" person. It just blows my mind that people an have that little heart. That little respect, that little decency. Especially towards someone you "love". I understand that people make mistakes, but I don't feel that I personally could ever make THAT mistake. It's just too horrible. But I guess that's why the bad people always get ahead in life bc they don't mind stepping on people to get there. It's really too bad though. But anyways I'm trying to forgive but I don't think forgetting is anywhere near the picture. An that's too bad, bc I would really like to. I just hope that God helps me move forward and continue to progress with happiness.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

bullshit

2009-07-28T04:45:00Z

my life is a bunch of bullshit all the time. im strictly using this journal as a venting area for all my aggression. so feel free to not read this, or dont listen to me and read it. whatever the fuck you want.

when you are growing up you really never think that your life is going to suck as bad as it ends up sucking.
you never think that all the bad things that could happen to you WILL happen to you
EVEN IF YOU ARE A FUCKING SAINT.
it doesnt matter who you are nice to, it doesnt matter if you do anything out of the goodness of your heart
no one cares that you are a good person.
why do you think that BAD PEOPLE get so far in life? hmmm it really makes you want to be a bad person sometimes.
bc THEN i wouldnt give a fuck about anyone and i wouldnt get hurt
THEN i wouldnt get emotionally attached to someone who is going to fuck me over in the end, because thats what everyone does. NO ONE gives a fuck about hurting you. no matter how much they say they love you
everyone will fail you at some point or another
no one has your best interest in mind. at least i dont feel it from anyone
why am i the one who is always wanting to make other people comfortable and happy
but no one wants that for me in return?
im going to stop being so god damned kind all the time
but i dont know if thats something you can change?
can you be born and raised and become a genuinely kind hearted person and can the world change you?
if it can, i think im well on my way to changing it.
being kind is no where worth what you put into it.
no where near being worth it.
not even close
not when you hurt like i do on a daily fucking basis
and this ISNT a pity party, i told you to stop reading at the beginning
so please dont give me any bullshit about why the fuck i should consider myself lucky
what because i have sight? and i can see all the terrible things that people do to eachother
because i can hear? so i can hear all the negative shit that they pump inside of us every single day
because i can walk? so that i can walk them to what job? bc i cant get a job because of the economy.
being grateful is a pile of shit and im so over it
if GOD wants to me believe he exists, he really should stop making it so hard to believe that something GOOD EXISTS
bc at this point everything and everyone has failed me and im over it.
id rather be dead that feel like i feel all the time.
i never knew i could have this rage inside of me
i guess we all learn new things about ourselves.
ive learned that im nowhere near as strong as i once thought i was.
ive learned that not even the person you love and trust the most, is worth trusting
ive learned that we are all alone. no matter who we have with us.
you are alone.
by yourself
always.

April 14th, 2009

2009-04-14T18:52:19Z

Wow...

I just went back and read all of my old posts. How fucking funny was I?! hahaha but anyways...these days im dating the man of my dreams (justin dean) things are going well as of right now. The last couple months have been extremely difficult and emotionally draining for me. My daddy passed away in January, only two months after he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. Probably the worst day of my entire life was the day he passed. It was honestly too much to see my daddy go through what he did that day. Secondly exactly a month ago today I found out the Justin cheated on me in october with one of his slut co workers. But we are working through it and I know that he was completely fucked in the mind at the time and Im 120% positive and comfortable with the fact that hes crazy about me and that he hates himself for what he did to me and will never do it again. I feel as if this entire situation has brought us closer by ten folds. There is so much more love, and its almost like its a different kind of love. So much more true and pure, honest and able. I love it and feel like this is where I need to be in my life. Obviously there are moments of weakness where I start thinking too much and get myself down. But I have faith in our relationship and our love for one another to have more good days than bad. I know that no one reads this and its probably why im writing all of this on here. I did read his ex gfs LJ though and she said something about them being together for 4 years and being engaged, which i was completely unaware of. But she could have been talking about a different justin? Sigh, whatever. But I miss my dad, a lot. Alot more than i could have ever imagined missing someone. I dont get sad about it often, but the other night justin and i were both having a hard night (because his mother passed away about 7 months ago as well from cancer) and we just laid together and cried. It was a tragic scene to say the least. There is just so much hurt in our hearts at the moment. But all I can think about when hes crying is how I want to be the one to comfort him for the rest of his life. I want to be the person that he comes to for help. I want to be the person he can trust and fall onto. I want to have that kind of security for him. He is my absolute world, and as badly as i was hurt ( i couldnt even tell you in words how my heart hurt that day) my love for him kept him here. I couldnt help but turn my anger and complete desperation into calming him down and telling him that i still loved him and that i still wanted to take care of him. Because i KNOW it was a mistake and we are all human and when we are put into tempting situations and we feel like we have lost control of our lives.....sometimes we mess up. that is life, and that is something i and we all have to learn and accept. And i was really put through a test with that one. I never knew that I could push my own passionate feelings aside instantly to take care of his. That is when i knew that I needed him, without a doubt...i needed him. I will tell you that everytime I look into his eyes i see the incredible amount of love that he has for me. I cant tell by the way that he says "i love you" that its different than it was before. Its so much warmer, and I love it. Maybe what happened needed to happen for us to realize that what we have is real, and its incredible and we should NEVER take things like this for granted. Because if there is anything that i have learned in the last couple months, it is to NEVER EVER take someone you love for granted. Not even once. I hope that if any of you read this, you go home and tell your parents that you love them. If you are in love with someone, sit down and tell them what they mean to you. Because it can all change so fast.

Take care,
Mae

so here i am again.

2006-11-21T05:34:51Z

back at step one.

the luckiest

2006-08-25T05:10:01Z

my boy is the cutest one to walk the earth....

...no seriously. i wasnt joking

if you want to.

2006-08-23T03:05:41Z

ill be at the fireshaq on saturday

weird.

<3mae

an oddity for eyes

2006-07-28T16:54:07Z

i feel as if ive completely detached myself from this place.

and im ok with it.

you're far too frail to fight

2006-07-17T21:35:22Z

cornerstone was good
spending a week with tommy was better
coming home was nice but terrible in some ways.
i hate leaving him
i hate having to say goodbye.
i cant wait for the day where i never have to say goodbye
and if i do, its only for a short period of time
no weeks go by
its a terrible thing,
this thing called love...
it physically hurts when i miss him
and yet, when im with him, i feel its bliss.
its amazing,
this thing called love...
when he rubs up against me just as anyone would
sends thosands of goosebumps and chills down my spine.

eh, thats the just of it.
i love him
period.

color me pumped

2006-07-04T02:45:48Z

cornerstone here i come

fort wayne, ill see you in 5 days
i wish i could stay there forever
my heart is in bushnell!
<3

ive got a crush on you

2006-06-11T04:12:46Z

.LIFE.

its happening, its really really happenging, right now.

everything is going swell like. i wake up at 7 every morning. groggy, disoriented, but good none the less. (is none the less three words or one -nonetheless-?) no idea. anyways put on what little makeup i can get on my face while fighting my early morning fatigue. drive to work. clock in. hold the screaming babies, rock them to sleep, singing lullabys and love songs for their precious little ears. saying "sorries", "are you oks", and "well that wasnt very nice was its" all day long. consoling the teary eyed children. clock out. drive home. i usually nap around this time. closing my shades, turn on the air. and sleep like i havent slept in months. sometimes ill sleep for hours. 3 or 4. the time passes so quickly when you sleep. no worries. no fears. no fighting, or tears. i wake up just as groggy as the morning rituals. lay in my bed, listen to the birds, thank God for life, and love and beauty. those three things i always thank him for. every night.

life

love

beauty

life is beautiful. i live to love. love is beautiful.

all throughout these seemingly meaningless days i so often have. i think of a certain boy. a boy who makes me blush and takes naps with me. he never gave up when i told him i wasnt ticklish. he kisses me on the hand and tells me im beautiful. calls me to hear my voice and let me know that he loves me. a boy who holds my hands in front of his friends and so proudly says "this is my girl mae" this boy has a name and my heart.

thomas earl weaver.

i love you forever

<3

may God bless, and keep you.

maebelle

lets leave the cynics of this town

2006-05-16T16:12:16Z

FORT WAYNE:

I HATE YOU

darkangel567 @ 2006-05-03T15:01:00

2006-05-03T19:11:39Z

::prom was perfect::

::he is perfect::

im so happy i could ~~explode~~
when im in his presence everythings ok.
life is beautiful
hes beautiful

goodness.

::classy::

::he melts me::

::completely::
imdone
God bless

hey so check it out

2006-04-05T03:42:45Z

new piercing?

i think so

bomb
tell me what you freakin think
maE!

i finally got to see the sky

2006-03-02T04:45:37Z

can you say stunning?

right there it is. plain and simple. beauty at its finest and hes all mine.
gosh what did i do to deserve this?

thank you Jesus

ill cover you

2006-02-28T07:18:10Z

wow
i
couldnt
be
happier
!

darkangel567 @ 2006-02-20T13:09:00

2006-02-20T18:14:18Z

im in like with a certain boy and his name is tommy!

hmm i like his beard...and everything else about him

...with every intentions to be failures in this world

2006-02-17T18:16:57Z

last night was awesome. i finally feel wanted again. its a feeling that i missed alot. i went to a show in kokomo.saw all of my lovelylovely friends down there. everytime i see them i cant help but thank God for bringing me to them. i stayed the night at tommys house which was great. got some nice kisses. i missed kisses. made me realize that i dont need that one certain boy to make me happy. im fine without him. i ate breakfast with his parents while he was at school and we talked about everything. it was great to know that if something does happen with this that i will be blessed with knowing his awesome parents. knowing that i dont have to worry about dealing with crappy parents all the time. hmm. but yea there is a show tonight at cym. everyone should probably go, its not going to be a really good show. but i would love for you to be there. cuz i do in fact love you all and love seeing your beautiful faces as often as i possibly can. i love periods....yes. but anyways mewithoutyou is coming next friday to kokomo for 10 dollars. everyone on the face of the earth should be there. im driving so i can take like 3 people just depending. i think i already promised 2 that i would so maybe just 1 or 2 more people. just let me know if you really are set on going. cuz i wouldnt miss it for the world. alright well i suppose im done for today.
God bless.
maE.

sleep on the floor, and dream about me.

2006-02-11T03:08:49Z

ok so here goes.

i have been slightly down lately about various things but then i got a call from a friend who i love with all i have. he let me know some of the things that were going on in his life and i couldnt help but totally forget my problems and focus on his. i just really realized last night how lucky i am. and how big of a whiner i have been in the past couple months, i mean i know im only human and sometimes its ineviable to be lonely or frustrated. but God pretty much slapped me in the face and im so glad that he did. im happy. im lucky. im free. im living. and breathing. i have two legs. arms and ears. i can see. and what beautiful things i see on a daily basis. God has blessed me. sad or happy. sorry if i have said anything mean to anyone or just wasnt the mae that you all know so well. im done with being upset about life. im ok. i have it so well off its ridiculous. next time im complaining i want you to hit me in the throat. but just for good measure keep my in your prayers. i may lose my job. hoping its for the better. my grandma was taken to the hospital the other day, just pray that if she goes soon that shes happy and not in pain. in lonely. i want love. can you blame me? valentines day is coming up and it seems like everyones in love but me. hey. LIFE. it happens. life hurts, then we are fine. we hurt, we always end up OK. we live in a world bombarded with negative and we need to counteract that with out attitudes. thats probably my new outlook on life. just live and love. laugh and cry. breathe and sing. sing about life and love and laughing and crying. be there for eachother. be happy when others are happy and consoling when they are hurt and in need of a shoulder. hm. im here. i always will be. i may threaten you with moving. but chances are ill stay here. i love my family and friends too much to leave them behind in this town.
but if i could i would take all of you with me. to a place where we could walk around barefoot and we would have to run across paved roads so our feet wouldnt burn. we would have sunburns on out noses and shoulders and our cheeks would hurt when we laughed. we would ride our bikes everywhere and roll in the grass. lay under the shade of apple trees and fall asleep in eachothers arms.
which reminds me. cornerstone is going to change my life this year just like it did last year
i cant wait to fall asleep around all the people i love
hmmm God bless life and love and friends, family, laughing, smiling, being grateful, sunshine, and the ability to feel pain. for without pain we wouldnt appreciate life.

bless you all
mae

darkangel567 @ 2006-02-07T07:26:00

2006-02-07T12:26:38Z

no matter what i do, im still as lonely as when i started

i cant hide behind a smile forever

im lonely

2006-01-30T04:30:19Z

O Lord send me my angel.

when will it be my turn. i couldnt be lonelier

lets pretend we dont exist

2006-01-08T15:35:47Z

last night was amazing
towards the beginning of the show i was having my doubts. besides the fact that within 5 mintues of me getting there my kokomo kids came...wow i love those people. amazing, genuine, good loving people. they have my heart. i see them and its like every problem that i have goes away.
jonjon was there. it was nice to see him and talk and give him hugs
i miss him

but yea all the bands were great
i discovered a new band vinny keys
freakin amazing. i need to buy their cd
and t shirt
and make friends with them.

i did vocals for saidHe. that was awesome. its always such a rush--it just feels right when im up there with them. i had so many people come and watch me scream. i felt so loved. it was great.
i did better this time too. i didnt loose my voice like last time which was definately a step forward in the right direction. im really excited that i could permanently be a part of this. we all are very sure yet. they are going to hold auditions and mine is to put words to the 6th song. so wish me luck with that. ill definately need it. my neck is pretty sore last night from shaking it around alot. it probably wasnt such a good choice on my part. hmm o well, i had a blast. but yea life has been pretty alright. nothing special. im just realizing how blessed i am. God has given me the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for. its really breath-taking
i think thats all for today...
God bless

love

2006-01-02T20:53:28Z

say this like your bradley hathway, it will make more sense that way

i want to..

EXPLODE with love and show the world that i am here for one reason and one reason alone. and that is to love

to love all things and people i encounter....to show love to the extent that no man or woman has ever come across or ever will come across. i feel the need to sing at THE TOP OF MY LUNGS, to let all you lovEly people know how much you mean to me. im my time of despair....you are always there. not to sound corny. but really.

i need to BREAK FREE from all my burdens and obstructions that lie in my way. i want to share the love that i have in my heart with all who i walk past, dine with, never met but would like to, have met but would like to get to know alot better,.(because i want to know you with all of my heart) let them know that there is NO LIMIT to the love that i have in my soul. so im here to let you know.

LOVE. hear it loud and clear. that is why im here.

and if i dont know you, come up to me and say a plesant hello. for i would LOVE to LOVE you and tell you that i NEED you and be best friends and do things that best friends do like....

act stupid in public together,

tell secrets, give secrets and MAKE secrets,

roll on the floor laughing so hard and worry for fear that your lungs may burst any moment and you stop and realize that you dont even care. because you are in the prescene of one you LOVE.

and i truely do.

your LOVE will never mean so much to a person as it does to me. every breath, and word. every step and stumble. i WANT to know and i WANT to listen. because i LOVE you. and care for you.

and yes, i do want LOOOVELOOOOVE too. not just your everyday, run of the mill type love where you sit on he same side of the table at dinner. no. I want to gaze into your eyes all night and never for a second think of doing any different. i want to stay there and feel LOVE, and i want you to do the same as you look into my eyes. i want you to KNOW that in that moment the walls could fall around me and nothing would matter because you were in my prescene. i want that type of LOVE.

a LOVE that doesnt fear or fret for that is all you need to survive

a LOVE that never ceases to amaze and captures others interest as they walk by. people would notice the LOVE that we share and envy us for it.

without your LOVE that i am so graciously given, i would be nothing. and know that, for i am now telling you this. your LOVE is my life. and my LOVE is all yours for the taking. so take it.

i wanted to share this with you.

music box

2005-12-25T02:29:08Z

we move for all mankind, a million miles from everything we've ever known
and we're on their hearts and minds, a million heads are bowed to bring us safely home
hemmed in by emptiness, a million ways that everything could be undone
this hollow in my chest is filled with reasons not too sing but i found one. i know

we are NOT alone, we feel an unseen love
we are sons and heirs of grace
we are the children of a light that never dims
a love that never dies, keep your chin up child
and wipe the tears from your eyes

in sleep we saw ourselves , a million years we had been waiting there it seems
while someone weaves a spell, a million stars look on in witness to our dreams

we feel and unseen love
we are children of light
stand ready and tall, reflect the light.

we're still fighting it

2005-11-26T20:06:23Z

im deleting this

sweet

shhhh

2005-11-04T15:11:28Z

im about half sick of feeling sorry for myself...

...this is where i end it